My Faith-A Sad Story And The Hope of Christ

I haven't been sure about whether to make this post or not because sometimes it's really not a good idea to share your mind with other people on the internet who really don't care to listen kindly and are just looking for people to trash. But I know there are often others too who are just looking for people to relate to, and so I decided to share this in case maybe one of those people needed it-because earlier this year, that was exactly what I needed and I would have been really grateful if there was someone who could have related to me then.

I have grown up my whole life as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. My Faith has always meant so much to me. Even now I cherish the things that I feel are true and have no desire to trash this faith or break it down. But sadly, through reading our own church history archives or rather being led to read them by some historical volumes I found on Joseph Smith (JSFP), I came to see that we have been and are still being taught a lot of lies in this church. After being taught my whole life that our leaders could be trusted and that this church taught ONLY the pure and unadulterated truth of Christ, I was extremely disappointed, sad, hurt and felt deeply betrayed by what I found. 

The more I studied our history, the more the list of untruths in our church grew. We teach multiple things that aren't in the scriptures and our leaders have even in many cases pitted us against God's own words in the scriptures and the words of our modern-day prophets. When you are being asked to choose between what God has said and what the current prophets are saying, SOMETHING IS WRONG. God is the same yesterday, today and forever. He never varies from that which he hath said, and He is a God of truth and canst not lie. If I believe in that, and I do, then I have to acknowledge that there is something wrong in this church, because God would not contradict Himself by giving ancient and modern prophets different instructions. 

For example:

1.) God would not tell the prophets of old to search ancient scriptures because even tho they're ancient, their words are still of great worth, and then tell modern prophets that the words of ancient prophets grow less valuable with time. 

Or

2.) God would not tell people in the 1800s that the blood of Christ could not atone for ALL of our sins (what blasphemy that is) and then turn around and tell modern-day prophets "Oh actually I was wrong, yes it can."

God does not contradict Himself. And yet we are taught that He doesn't, but that actually yes, He does. 

Red flag.

So many members of our church have been taught automated responses to these and other concerns that side-step the issues at hand and claim the person(s) with the concern(s) is thinking or saying something they aren't. Rather than acknowledging the issues, people will accuse you with things like:

• "Why are focusing on the past?"

• "Why are YOU trying to condemn people who lived so long ago, who you don't even know anything about them?"

• "How can you judge things that happened back then with modern day ideas?" 

This is such belittling behavior to those with real concerns and completely fair questions about the issues in our church both past and present.

They are also another red flag. When people, in mass, start to act like robots rather than taking what another person is asking them at face value, because this is what they've been TAUGHT to do, SOMETHING IS WRONG.

The main issues at hand that I have found with the LDS church this year are that we are: 

1.) Being taught a VERY false story of Joseph Smith and our church history-at the root of which is the lie of the "doctrine of polygamy" (it's proven to be a lie by Joseph Smith himself in our historical records-he wasn't actually a liar who practiced this evil behind his wife's back).  

2.) We are being taught false ideas about several points of doctrine that were warped by church leaders after Joseph died.

And 

3.) Our modern-day church leaders are continuing to perpetuate many of these lies as well as new ones and push ideas that are not doctrinal and telling us it's ok, because they speak for God. 

So in other words, our history as taught in church is a lie, and much of the gospel we teach is also a lie. For members of a church that claims to be true, this is a red flag, is it not?

I want to live according to the truth that Jesus taught, and the truth that He taught through His true prophets. 

I believe Joseph Smith is a true prophet. I believe the Bible and Book of Mormon prophets are true prophets. But if I believe and prioritize what the scriptures say, I cannot believe that anyone after Joseph Smith was a true prophet in this church because their appointments and many of their doings have not been what the scriptures teach. 

As a result of these findings, I have become seriously unsettled and confused about a lot of things. I had always felt our modern day prophets were true prophets, but then our own history suggests otherwise, so why did I feel like God told me they were true? But at the same time I have always noticed that many of their teachings were undoctrinal and been concerned by that... But I can't believe them to be true prophets and believe what the scriptures say at the same time. So I must have misunderstood what God was telling me, right? It seems like it should be a clear answer, but I still feel so confused. 

I don't want to turn my back on anything I shouldn't and thus displease God. But I also don't want to accept and live by things that aren't true. I promised God that I would do my best to live according to HIS word and live HIS truth. So why did I feel certain things were true when apparently they weren't? I don't understand. What was God really trying to tell me? Will He be merciful to me if despite my efforts I can never figure it out? I feel scared and stressed about my spiritual future. I know God is supposed to accept our best, but I always worry that my best won't be good enough-that maybe I'll just THINK it's my best when actually it's not and I won't see it until God points it out to me in His disappointment of my idiocy.

I've also officially become afraid of churches. The one church I thought was totally trustworthy was just as dishonest as any other. I do believe church is important, but I don't want to be indoctrinated by dishonest leaders with things that aren't true. I too was used to just falling in line until I just couldn't anymore...but I did for so long in so many ways. I don't want to make myself vulnerable to such things anymore by just falling back in line. 

So what do I do then? Just have church at home by myself, or with family where I can make sure I'm not being taught any lies? Will God be ok with that? Or should I just attend church and be more mindful and more carefully filter what I'm being told? 

I don't know what the answer is. But I'm so afraid I'll choose the wrong thing and offend God.

I've wondered a lot too, why God didn't show me the truth before when He's always known how important it is to me to find and live by His truth. Maybe because I would have been more alone then, because my family wasn't ready to understand my concerns yet? Idk...I do think they're more prepared now than before, but still..Idk what the real reason is. 

Now knowing that to be an Orthodox Mormon means to just fall in line and take whatever's given to you by the current leaders or you'll be called apostate, I can't be an Orthodox Mormon anymore. The words of Christ should come first for a Christian. And I am a Christian before I am anything else. If the current church leaders want me to fall in line with things that Christ didn't teach, well I'm sorry, I can't fall in line with that. THAT would make me a real apostate. 

Before we are Mormon, Catholic, Baptist, Protestant-whatever-we should be followers of Christ. The whole point of true Christianity is to align us with His will and teachings. Our denominations are all led by imperfect people who we have all seen choose to lie at various times rather than to teach the pure doctrine of Christ. 

When these institutions aren't perfect or perfectly trustworthy, Christ still is. All He asks is our best. If we hold true to what we feel He has taught us, He will be merciful and accept our efforts in the end. As afraid of doing the wrong thing about religion as I am, when I am able to take a moment to feel calmer and remember the trust I have in God, I know He will take care of me as long as I give Him my best. And I really am trying my best 😭

To anyone in any Christian denomination who is going through a similar struggle, I understand your pain and I'm praying for you often. I know and God knows even better how you feel. He loves you and He cares and appreciates all you're doing to find and live by His truth. 

When everything else gets foggy, just focus on Christ, His teachings and His atonement and live by what you know. If God hasn't revealed more to you yet, it's because He trusts you to do alright with what you have at the moment and He wants you to know that you can trust yourself just as much. Or at least that's what I figure. I'm sure there are more reasons that only He knows, but I really believe that that's one of them. ^^

God bless you all. He will lead us all safely back home, I promise 💛