My Faith-A Sad Story And The Hope of Christ

I haven't been sure about whether to make this post or not because sometimes it's really not a good idea to share your mind with other people on the internet who really don't care to listen kindly and are just looking for people to trash. But I know there are often others too who are just looking for people to relate to, and so I decided to share this in case maybe one of those people needed it-because earlier this year, that was exactly what I needed and I would have been really grateful if there was someone who could have related to me then.

I have grown up my whole life as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. My Faith has always meant so much to me. Even now I cherish the things that I feel are true and have no desire to trash this faith or break it down. But sadly, through reading our own church history archives or rather being led to read them by some historical volumes I found on Joseph Smith (JSFP), I came to see that we have been and are still being taught a lot of lies in this church. After being taught my whole life that our leaders could be trusted and that this church taught ONLY the pure and unadulterated truth of Christ, I was extremely disappointed, sad, hurt and felt deeply betrayed by what I found. 

The more I studied our history, the more the list of untruths in our church grew. We teach multiple things that aren't in the scriptures and our leaders have even in many cases pitted us against God's own words in the scriptures and the words of our modern-day prophets. When you are being asked to choose between what God has said and what the current prophets are saying, SOMETHING IS WRONG. God is the same yesterday, today and forever. He never varies from that which he hath said, and He is a God of truth and canst not lie. If I believe in that, and I do, then I have to acknowledge that there is something wrong in this church, because God would not contradict Himself by giving ancient and modern prophets different instructions. 

For example:

1.) God would not tell the prophets of old to search ancient scriptures because even tho they're ancient, their words are still of great worth, and then tell modern prophets that the words of ancient prophets grow less valuable with time. 

Or

2.) God would not tell people in the 1800s that the blood of Christ could not atone for ALL of our sins (what blasphemy that is) and then turn around and tell modern-day prophets "Oh actually I was wrong, yes it can."

God does not contradict Himself. And yet we are taught that He doesn't, but that actually yes, He does. 

Red flag.

So many members of our church have been taught automated responses to these and other concerns that side-step the issues at hand and claim the person(s) with the concern(s) is thinking or saying something they aren't. Rather than acknowledging the issues, people will accuse you with things like:

• "Why are focusing on the past?"

• "Why are YOU trying to condemn people who lived so long ago, who you don't even know anything about them?"

• "How can you judge things that happened back then with modern day ideas?" 

This is such belittling behavior to those with real concerns and completely fair questions about the issues in our church both past and present.

They are also another red flag. When people, in mass, start to act like robots rather than taking what another person is asking them at face value, because this is what they've been TAUGHT to do, SOMETHING IS WRONG.

The main issues at hand that I have found with the LDS church this year are that we are: 

1.) Being taught a VERY false story of Joseph Smith and our church history-at the root of which is the lie of the "doctrine of polygamy" (it's proven to be a lie by Joseph Smith himself in our historical records-he wasn't actually a liar who practiced this evil behind his wife's back).  

2.) We are being taught false ideas about several points of doctrine that were warped by church leaders after Joseph died.

And 

3.) Our modern-day church leaders are continuing to perpetuate many of these lies as well as new ones and push ideas that are not doctrinal and telling us it's ok, because they speak for God. 

So in other words, our history as taught in church is a lie, and much of the gospel we teach is also a lie. For members of a church that claims to be true, this is a red flag, is it not?

I want to live according to the truth that Jesus taught, and the truth that He taught through His true prophets. 

I believe Joseph Smith is a true prophet. I believe the Bible and Book of Mormon prophets are true prophets. But if I believe and prioritize what the scriptures say, I cannot believe that anyone after Joseph Smith was a true prophet in this church because their appointments and many of their doings have not been what the scriptures teach. 

As a result of these findings, I have become seriously unsettled and confused about a lot of things. I had always felt our modern day prophets were true prophets, but then our own history suggests otherwise, so why did I feel like God told me they were true? But at the same time I have always noticed that many of their teachings were undoctrinal and been concerned by that... But I can't believe them to be true prophets and believe what the scriptures say at the same time. So I must have misunderstood what God was telling me, right? It seems like it should be a clear answer, but I still feel so confused. 

I don't want to turn my back on anything I shouldn't and thus displease God. But I also don't want to accept and live by things that aren't true. I promised God that I would do my best to live according to HIS word and live HIS truth. So why did I feel certain things were true when apparently they weren't? I don't understand. What was God really trying to tell me? Will He be merciful to me if despite my efforts I can never figure it out? I feel scared and stressed about my spiritual future. I know God is supposed to accept our best, but I always worry that my best won't be good enough-that maybe I'll just THINK it's my best when actually it's not and I won't see it until God points it out to me in His disappointment of my idiocy.

I've also officially become afraid of churches. The one church I thought was totally trustworthy was just as dishonest as any other. I do believe church is important, but I don't want to be indoctrinated by dishonest leaders with things that aren't true. I too was used to just falling in line until I just couldn't anymore...but I did for so long in so many ways. I don't want to make myself vulnerable to such things anymore by just falling back in line. 

So what do I do then? Just have church at home by myself, or with family where I can make sure I'm not being taught any lies? Will God be ok with that? Or should I just attend church and be more mindful and more carefully filter what I'm being told? 

I don't know what the answer is. But I'm so afraid I'll choose the wrong thing and offend God.

I've wondered a lot too, why God didn't show me the truth before when He's always known how important it is to me to find and live by His truth. Maybe because I would have been more alone then, because my family wasn't ready to understand my concerns yet? Idk...I do think they're more prepared now than before, but still..Idk what the real reason is. 

Now knowing that to be an Orthodox Mormon means to just fall in line and take whatever's given to you by the current leaders or you'll be called apostate, I can't be an Orthodox Mormon anymore. The words of Christ should come first for a Christian. And I am a Christian before I am anything else. If the current church leaders want me to fall in line with things that Christ didn't teach, well I'm sorry, I can't fall in line with that. THAT would make me a real apostate. 

Before we are Mormon, Catholic, Baptist, Protestant-whatever-we should be followers of Christ. The whole point of true Christianity is to align us with His will and teachings. Our denominations are all led by imperfect people who we have all seen choose to lie at various times rather than to teach the pure doctrine of Christ. 

When these institutions aren't perfect or perfectly trustworthy, Christ still is. All He asks is our best. If we hold true to what we feel He has taught us, He will be merciful and accept our efforts in the end. As afraid of doing the wrong thing about religion as I am, when I am able to take a moment to feel calmer and remember the trust I have in God, I know He will take care of me as long as I give Him my best. And I really am trying my best 😭

To anyone in any Christian denomination who is going through a similar struggle, I understand your pain and I'm praying for you often. I know and God knows even better how you feel. He loves you and He cares and appreciates all you're doing to find and live by His truth. 

When everything else gets foggy, just focus on Christ, His teachings and His atonement and live by what you know. If God hasn't revealed more to you yet, it's because He trusts you to do alright with what you have at the moment and He wants you to know that you can trust yourself just as much. Or at least that's what I figure. I'm sure there are more reasons that only He knows, but I really believe that that's one of them. ^^

God bless you all. He will lead us all safely back home, I promise 💛

How To Study The Scriptures Better

Regular scripture study is really important to me. I feel closer to God, more uplifted, more strengthened in doing what's right and more confident that if anyone has any questions about what I believe I will have an easier time answering them. 

But periodically, about every 2 months or so of studying the same way, my brain starts to feel bored and tired. Then I feel kinda discouraged bc I know I don't wanna not study anymore, but I don't always know what to do to study differently that will help my brain engage better. So first, I tend to wind up studying less, bc when your focus is going out, sometimes it's easier to take in less. But then I feel guilty, like I'm copping out and not studying enough. And then I wind up reading only about a verse a day, and feeling even guiltier bc my amount of study has gone down again. However, looking back I can see how that one chapter or verse a day was still affecting me positively and how at times I really was taking in more from that than reading or listening to more material for a longer period of time. So to say that my study switches had been wrong or unprofitable wouldn't be correct. 

The important thing to God is that we are being edified every day and strengthened in His gospel. Since God has taught us repeatedly to "feast" on His words and spend lots of time studying, I'm not saying that short study times where we take in less material are always the best choice or even the one we should choose. But God understands health needs, stress, anxiety, and overwhelming schedules that for the time we don't know how to get out of, and He asks us to do the best we can at each season of our lives to study His scriptures profitably with the time and opportunity that we have. 

The Lord always appreciates our sincere efforts, especially when we try hard when He knows how hard things are for us. He will magnify our efforts and bless us with the edification and spiritual strength that we need, even if we can only study a little for a while. 💛

Having said all that, I want to go back to the point that sometimes we need to change how we study. It may not always be about a time crunch. Sometimes it's just that our brains can really get bored with monotony and so now we need a new approach. It can hard to figure out new ways to study. So, I tried to come up with some ideas that I hope will be helpful if you want to try them.

1.) Focus on writing about what you learned rather than studying a lot by reading or listening to things. Sometimes the Spirit really opens up our minds and hearts to things when we try to write down what we know and feel. We often find that we know even more than we thought too, which is really encouraging. ^^ You could try reading a few verses and then pondering things like: 

• What do these teachings mean to me?

• How do I feel about the person teaching them?

• When have I been able to use these teachings in my own life?

• Where do I feel would like to use these teachings in my life? 

• How would I feel about myself if I deepened my understanding of these teachings and my ability to teach and live them? 

• If I had someone to teach them to, how would I teach them?

• How could I teach these things simply so that even children and people without any gospel background can understand? 

Questions like these will give you a lot of deep things to ponder for quite a while, so your scripture study can still feel full. Even if you are study for a short time, focusing on writing about one or more of these questions can help you feel like you got more out of study time and we're able to imprint more of what you process on your mind so you can carry it better with you throughout your life. ^^

Another activity could be to prepare talks or lesson plans on whatever you study. This will take pondering, research time, and time for writing. It will also help you to feel more confidence in your abilities to teach the gospel when opportunities to do so arise. ^^ It could also help to open your mind if you try to cater your lesson plans and talks to specific types of people. For example~

• My friend _______ is very sensitive due to having been abused her whole life. How can I soften my wording as I teach so that she will comforted and not targeted? What things could I teach her that might bring her comfort and help to restore what's been lost to her through all those years of abuse? How can I assure her that God loves her and is mindful of her sufferings?

It doesn't even need to be a real person you know, you could just imagine someone up. Like:

• Imaginary person "Jack" has had only one friend-his hamster, who died last week and now Jack is devastated and having a hard time finding relief for his weary heart. What can I teach him to help him find hope and comfort? How can I word my teaching in order to best suit his personality? 

Another thing to do is to take time memorizing scriptures and hymns. If you aren't good at memorizing things word-for-word, no pressure. It will probably be easier for you to memorize at least the subject of your favorite scriptures and their reference or the page number and part of the page they're on. You could also take time to tab your scriptures so you can find your favorite verses easily later, or maybe a bookmark listing them that you can easily reference whenever you want or need to. 

Another thing you could do is to make your own recording of the scriptures. Instead of listening to others read them, you can read them!!! You can listen to your own voice showing you how you connect with what's being taught, and find that maybe you want to connect deeper with certain things and read them over and over again, really trying to feel what's being said. You can also gain a greater appreciation for yourself as you play the recordings back and hear your own voice saying sacred and comforting things.

This could also be a good missionary tool. If a friend or family member knows they will be listening to the scriptures in your voice-someone they know and care about-they will likely be more interested in what's being said and pay more attention to it.

A fun idea could also be to make newsletters. Not that you need to share them, but making them as if you were going to share them might help to open up your mind to new insights. Again, you could try catering them to certain people as a way to open up your mind and heart to more of God's children and thus help you to better apply some of His teachings. For example~

• Sister ________ can never come to church because of severe health issues. What things can I fill this newsletter with that might address her needs and concerns? 

You could also try catering the newsletter to yourself and whatever you are going through. This way your study will be educational as well as bring you comfort.

There is no right or wrong way to study the scriptures. It's important to be kind to yourself and remember that everyone learns in their own way. If you have trouble finding a way that's working for you, then take it to God and ask Him to help you find what way or ways will be the most beneficial for YOU. He will help you and He will accept your best efforts along the way. ^^

I really hope this post has been helpful for anyone who is struggling with their scripture reading. If you have any ideas you'd like to share about what's helped you, please comment below. 

Thanks as always for reading, and God bless you all 💖

Bami~*

Grateful For Sad Songs

(This post was originally made back in Nov 2020 before I revamped my blog)

Sometimes crying doesn't feel like enough. I feel like I need to sing my pain out, or listen while someone else sings what I'm feeling and pulls my pain out of me. 

This past week has been really hard. My grandmother has reached the end of her life and is now fading slowly away... She became unresponsive on Sunday, and has just been lying still since then, waiting to return home. It's now Sunday again, and she's still with us, but just barely. Having to wait everyday to hear if she's passed yet has been so difficult. I haven't been able to see her in years, and can't even be with her now in her last moments or tell her a proper goodbye. And I just feel so sad...ㅠㅠ

I was always close to my grandma. Going to visit her and my grandpa was always my favorite vacation. And it still is. I've never known a life without her, and I don't want her to leave. But I know it's her time to go home. After many years of suffering with illness and the side affects of her medications her body is now beyond repair, and needs to rest, along with her spirit. 

I'm trying to be ok, but it's hard. I find so much comfort in knowing that she'll be well and happier where shes going, and in the knowledge that I'll see her again someday. But still, saying such a long goodbye for now is so hard. 

I came across a song yesterday that I knew about but hadn't heard in so long. It was in Korean so I couldn't make all of it out, but I knew what "geuriwo" meant: to really miss something or someone. The moment in the song where that word hit felt like my heartache. I listened to the song over and over again. The whole thing felt like it was coming out of my heart even though I wasn't the one singing it. It was like someone took all of my pain and made a song out of it. 

The more I listened to it, I felt as if I was singing it myself, like it was helping me to express all the sorrow I've been trying to hold in all week. And I felt grateful for that.

Parts of the video also seemed to express well how I'll feel without my grandma. Younha has a box of bandages and every time she sees something left behind by the guy she loved, she looks at it sadly and puts a bandage on it. 

There are also scenes where she's doing alone the things that she used to do with her boyfriend. Trying to get along, but not over the pain yet. 

I think these kinda of aspects are always there when learning to move on after losing someone you love. Every thing you see that reminds you of them brings you pain for a while, and you wish you could just bandage it and make it feel better. You also have to keep going with certain activities, but doing them wihout the one you miss leaves you empty until you get used to life without them. ㅠㅠ

Sometimes sad songs are like friends that take our hands and say "I understand you." They walk with you, and see you through the hard times. Often times it even feels like they're sent right when we need them. Like God knew they would be of help to us in a way that no one else could. 

The song that I've been listening to is called Dark Cloud by Go Younha. The actual meaning of the lyrics isn't really applicable to my situation or my relationship with my grandmother except for where it says "I miss that time," "I really miss you," "I have to pretend to be ok, and cry a lot." Interestingly these are the parts of the song that stuck out the most to me even before I looked up the translation. I could just feel something relatable in those parts. I guess for good reason.

Younha's voice is so pure and beautiful and she sings the entire song masterfully and with such emotion. I wish I could tell her how her song and voice have so deeply touched and helped me theough this difficult time. I believe this is part of what singers are meant to do-they are more than entertainers-they also sing to help, heal, support and inspire those who listen to them.

I'm so grateful for Younha and her sad song right now. The relief they are giving my heart is so appreciated and one of the friends I really needed during this sad and lonely time. 

If you need a sad song like me right now, I highly suggest listening to (click title below)

 Younha's Dark Cloud

Thank you Younha, 정말 고마워요 ♡

Love, Bami*~ ♡

#HearHim 

(All pics & screencaps in this post copyright of C9ENT) 

Happy Monday! The 6 Be's ☆

Pres. Hinckley, who was a prophet of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints some years ago now, introduced these 6 Be's in a talk directed to youth as a guide to help them live more focused lives on Jesus Christ and follow His example despite the challenging times in which they live. 

I made this gif of the 6 Be's with little hearts that blink by each one so each one gets a moment of focus. It's the biggest gif I've ever made and I really like how it turned out! Hopefully you will like it too ^^

I'm so grateful for modern day prophets who teach us God's words and lead us in His name just like in times of old! God says He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. His pattern of calling a prophet to lead His true church throughout the ages of the world is such a testament of God's unchanging nature, as well as His unchanging love for His children. He doesn't love any of us more or less than His children before or those to come. We are all equal in His love. 

Something like the 6 Be's from our prophet may seem like a small thing, but each of these Be's is so powerful in focusing us more on righteousness-even if we aren't youth anymore-and as I've held them in my own mind, I have felt myself growing closer to God and becoming more like our dear Savior Jesus Christ. I am so grateful to Him for all of these small and simple but helpful things that He has given and continues to give us through our prophets. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. 

Bami*~

Happy Sunday! First Post ♡

Hi everyone! Welcome to my blog Peachi Bam!

"Peachi" represents the peachy colored lighting that you'll see in a lot of my pics-especially pictures taken in my room-and "Bam" is the Korean word for "night." So my blog name basically means "peachy (colored) night." 

I am a chronic illness sufferer who needs a haven of lower light than you'll usually find in other places and homes. Bright light triggers really terrible pain attacks for me that leave my body battered and bruised, and as a result I often need several days to recover. To help me avoid these attacks I decided to use warm Christmas lights to light my room rather than regular light bulbs and the result is a soft, warm, peachy-pinky illumination that thankfully my eyes can handle very well on most days! ^^

Also in an effort to minimize harsh light in my room, I've had to put large, flat cardboard pieces over my windows to keep out the sun. This gives the room a darkened affect even in the day, so that it seems like it's always night. So "Peachi Bam" seemed to sum up my world very well. ^^

While it can be difficult and sad at times to live with this kind of condition, I am grateful at least for the cute and peaceful world I've been able to build for myself in my room over the past few years. If I have to be sick and stuck at home, at least it's in such a nice place. ^^ So I am very grateful to God for that blessing!!! ✨🙏💛✨

I have always loved the light. So having an illness that keeps me from it is really hard sometimes. But thankfully I've learned that I can handle even lighting easier than mid-day lighting. So I can at least go for walks sometimes in the evening during sunset which is one of the most beautiful times of the day!

Taking pics of the sunset is one of my favorite hobbies. Here is a pic I took last year and it's one of my favorites to date. ^^

I believe in God and in His Plan of Happiness for us, His children. I know that God lives and loves us, and that He keeps His promises. I don't know exactly why I have to suffer with this kind of trial, but I know that God has a purpose for it, and that if I endure it well and faithfully He will bless me for it in the end. So I'm doing my best to make the best of my situation and enjoy life where I can, and cherish the beauty I can find. 

That's why I wanted to start this blog. I feel I have been blessed with a lot of beautiful things and I want to write about them and share them with others who they might help. I hope that if you find my blog, the things I share about God and my blessings will help to bring you peace. 💛 

Thank you for stopping by and for reading my post. Happy Sunday to you all! ✨😄✨

Love, Bami*~